


ball jointed doll

by shinoujii



Category: Amnesia (Game & Anime)
Genre: Drugging, F/M, held captive, stupid yandere boy, vent fic, why do people like toma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:54:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24863374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinoujii/pseuds/shinoujii
Summary: been thinking about toma's route a lot lately and his bad end and yeah idk what i'm doing. i'm just sad and this is how i'm choosing to cope i guess. enjoy my abomination there's really no point to it. it's basically just heroine wishing she could spend time with toma but toma being too afraid to let it happen
Relationships: Heroine/Toma (Amnesia)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	1. numb most of the time

**Author's Note:**

> for the sake of making things easy lets just say heroine's name is anzu. we're gonna refer to her as anzu here :)
> 
> also lowkey highkey i haven't properly written anything in a very long time so like. this is probably gonna be a little bad. i forgot how to not suck at writing i'm sorry. also i wrote this in the middle of the night after staying up for over 20 hours soooooo :)
> 
> this is kinda just a vent fic so i don't really know where it'll go. it's been awhile since i played the vn so i apologize if anything in inaccurate or out of character

Emerald hues fluttered open, vision hazy and unfocused. _How long had she been asleep this time?_ She really didn’t even have the energy to lift her head from the pillow, but she forced herself to sit up anyways. Disoriented, she glanced across the room as if expecting her gaze to inevitably land on something, but when it never came she blinked. _Toma wasn’t here._

She pushed away the covers and lazily slung her legs over the edge of the bed, weak limbs carefully reaching for the floor. They felt like jelly as they wobbled under her weight. _When was the last time she got to walk around?_ As if on cue, her legs betrayed her as she fell to the ground with a thud after only taking a few steps.

No reaction. She felt nothing. It was like all of her senses were numbed, and the only feeling she was capable of experiencing was pure exhaustion. Her knees should probably be in some sort of pain right now considering how hard of a fall she just landed, and yet, _she didn’t feel a thing._

Her mind didn’t even grasp the fact that she had just fallen, the only thing swarming her thoughts was the lack of Toma’s presence. _Why wasn’t he here? Where was he?_ Uneasiness was starting to mix with the everlasting tiredness she felt.

“Anzu?”

_Her heart skipped a beat. Lifeless eyes grew glassy. Feeling was returning._

An all too familiar figure drew closer to the girl frozen on the floor. “Anzu, are you okay?” His tone was so gentle and soft. _Of course Toma hadn’t gone anywhere. He would never just leave her alone like that._

Rose petal lips parted to speak, but not a single sound came out. Her voice was stuck in her throat, threatening to come out in sobs if she forced it too much. All she could do was sit there, avoiding his gaze as her own filled with tears. _Why was she crying?_

“That sounded like a pretty nasty fall…” He spoke up, kneeling down in front of her. “Why did you try to move around on your own? You know you just need to call for me if you need anything.”

She remained silent. Her answer wouldn’t matter and it wasn’t like she really had one anyways. _What was the goal of leaving the bed? What destination was she aiming to reach?_ She didn’t know.

“Come on, let me help you up.” Careful arms extended out to assist the fragile girl, lifting her back up on her feet and guiding her once again towards the bed. “Are you hungry? Did you need to use the bathroom maybe?”

“I…” She started, her voice small and held back like she’d shatter if the volume rose even just a hair. “I didn’t know where you were…” Delicate fingers fumbled over the loose cloth of her nightgown nervously. “You’re always there when I wake up… I was worried when I didn’t see you…”

“Were you going to come looking for me?” He teased, grinning playfully. It was then that he finally noticed the tears in her eyes. “Hey, wait. What’s wrong?” His entire aura instantly changed, his expression quickly taking a concerned turn. “Did you actually get hurt?” He instinctively started to inspect her knees without even waiting for her reply.

Her knees were fine. They’d probably end up bruising, but they were the least of her worries right now. She wasn’t crying over something as minuscule as that.

“Anzu.” His voice calling her name once again snapped her back to reality. “I won’t know what’s wrong unless you tell me.”

She lowered her head, strawberry locks spilling past her shoulders and looming by her face as she stared down at her hands in her lap. “No, nothing’s wrong, I was just…” _What are you even thinking of saying?_ “...I was scared…”

A sigh slipped past Toma’s lips, his golden hues shifting away in guilt. “I already promised I would stay by your side. I won’t leave you, and I won’t let anything happen to you.” His words seemed sweet enough, but his tone was distant and lonely. “So get some more rest, okay? I’ll get you a warm drink so you can relax.” With that, he stood up and walked away into another room.

 _She upset him again._ That wasn’t what she had meant to do at all. Why did this keep happening? She knew he was just trying to protect her-- that he was working so tirelessly to keep her safe from the outside world’s horror-- what more did she want from him?

Hot tears finally broke past their barrier, rolling down her cheeks and off her jaw and onto the backs of her hands. _Idiot_. _It’s these stupid tears that always upset Toma._ Why couldn’t she control it? The numbness seemed to deafen every other sense, but never this one. _Why._

Trapped in her thoughts, she almost didn’t notice Toma returning to the room with a cup of what appeared to be hot chocolate in one hand and a sleeping pill in the other. When she did ultimately notice, a wave of dread washed over her. _She didn’t want to sleep any more._

“Toma…” She pouted, trying to convey her emotions in a visible manner, but failing miserably due to the extreme exhaustion she felt. Honestly, she didn’t need to take the pill to fall asleep right now.

“Please don’t make this harder than it needs to be. I hate seeing you cry.” He genuinely seemed troubled about it, his own lips curled downwards in a frown.

He felt guilty having to do this to her, keeping her in a near permanent state of slumber. Sure, she looked like an actual angel sent down to earth while she slept, but this wasn’t _living._ He was protecting her, but at _what cost?_ Her freedom? Her vitality? Her _happiness?_

She couldn’t help it. The tears continued to silently fall, and all she could do was sit there and let it happen. There was no choice. _There never is._

“I just want to be with you.” She suddenly spoke up, completely catching him off guard.

“Huh?”

Grassy hues met golden ones, staring into them with the purest intent. “Can’t I just… sit with you for awhile? I promise I won’t do anything or get in your way… All I want is to be with you.”

His heart ached. He didn’t deserve her at all. He _really_ didn’t.

“Anzu…” He sighed, conflicted over what the right thing to do was. He’d like to be able to spend more time with her _actually awake_ too-- he missed the sound of her voice so dearly-- but… it was too risky. What if this was just another trick? What if she ended up trying to leave again? He just couldn’t risk it. _Her safety was all that mattered, even if it was at the sake of her livelihood._

He sat the cup down on the nightstand, but kept the sleeping pill in his hold. He sat beside her on the bed once more, shifting his body so he was facing her. “I’m sorry that I can’t do more for you right now.” His free hand reached up to caress her cheek, his thumb sliding over her dark circles to wipe away the trail of tears. “I love you so much... You know that, right?”

She smiled sadly, “I know… I love you too.” She leaned into his touch. “I miss you.”

His chest tightened as he wrapped his arms around her. “I miss you too.” He breathed into her hair, his chin resting atop her shoulder. _He really was a monster._

He lifted his hand, taking the pill from his fingers between his teeth as he pulled back, positioning himself to press his lips against hers. He forced the pill into her mouth, pushing it down her throat with his tongue so she had no choice but to swallow it. Once the deed had been done, he backed away from her, sitting at a distance as he watched the heartbreak on her tired face unfold.

Honestly, she didn’t really look like she cared at all. She was tired. Everything was tiring. She half expected him to do something like that anyways. It was inevitable. _It’s always inevitable._

All she did was look away from him, not daring to let him watch the fresh tears form and spill from her eyes. She wiped her nose with her sleeve, a small sniffle coming out. “...W-What did I do wrong this time?” The tears were coming out more carelessly this time, and her voice hitched in her throat. “I wish y-you would… trust me again…”

 _God,_ he felt _so guilty._ The one thing he couldn’t stand above all else was seeing her _cry._ Knowing he was the cause of it made it all the more unbearable. _Why did it come to this? Why did he let it get this bad? It wasn’t that he didn’t trust her, it was just that he was afraid… All of this was to protect her. That’s all it’s always been about. He’d never forgive himself if anything happened to her._

He simply stood from the bed and turned his back to her, unable to look at her pitiful state any longer. “I’m sorry, princess.” That was it. Nothing else was said. He just left her alone with her rapidly growing drowsiness and heartache.

She fell back on the bed, unable to hold herself up any longer. She gazed absently at the ceiling as she laid there, feeling the emptiness consume her entire being once more. _Numbness._ Jade hues came to a drained close, the tears that escaped them never ceasing.

 _Would things really stay like this forever? Was this really all there was left of her and Toma’s relationship? What happened to how things used to be? Was it her fault? Why can’t she_ **_remember_ ** _anything?_

“...I don’t care anymore…” Was the last thing that left her lips before she ultimately lost consciousness.

Maybe to spend the rest of her days asleep was what she needed. Reality was cruel and she was so _tired_ of it. Her dreams weren’t that bad-- in fact, she _actually_ got to be happy with Toma in them. It _was_ all she wanted anyway. _So maybe this was for the best._


	2. right and wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which toma doesn't know wtf he's doing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i meant to update this sooner but i kinda forgot about it sorry 💀💀💀 this chapter is kinda short but i'll make up for it later!!! i haven't had much motivation to write lately but i miss it so i'm trying!!!! bear with me 💖

Moonlight peeked into the room through the curtains, vaguely illuminating Anzu’s sleeping body as she laid sprawled out on the bed. Toma finally returned to the room; he had gone outside to get some fresh air and clear his head, but ended up losing track of time after coincidentally running into Shin. Thankfully, his dear sleeping beauty hadn’t woken back up yet.

He glanced over to the clock on the nightstand. _Already past midnight…_ How long ago had he left? Was it okay to let Anzu continue resting? She hadn’t eaten a single meal today… Not that he’s sure she’d even accept one from him anymore. Still, he couldn’t just leave her like that. If it made her feel better, he’d let her prepare her own food. No tricks, no gimmicks.

He kicked off his shoes before making his way over to the bed to wake her. He approached her with a smile, a warm feeling filling his chest as her doll-like face came into view. Her beauty was unreal, and it made him feel a bit guilty to have to disturb that peaceful expression she had. _Maybe… It’d be alright to let her rest till morning._

Thinking that, he carefully moved her into a more comfortable position on the bed, and placed the blankets over her. He sat there beside her, lovingly stroking her hair as he simply admired her existence. Delicate fingers ran through strawberry locks, twirling the ends affectionately. _She really is just like a doll. She was_ _his_ _doll._

A tiny sound emitted past rose petal lips, one so small it was almost lost amidst the silence of the room. His movements came to a halt, feeling her stir beneath his touch. His hand lingered in the air cautiously as emerald hues groggily fluttered open. The instant they landed on Toma, the girl smiled. “Toma…” Her voice was so soft and sleepy. It was sickeningly sweet. Intoxicating, even.

Before he could even respond though, her eyes were closed once again. She had shifted around, wrapping an arm around Toma’s waist as she scooted closer to him. He chuckled lightly to himself, “Hey, are you still half asleep?” He readjusted himself, sinking down into a laying position so he could properly cuddle her. He once again gazed at her resting form, his expression full of so much love. “It’d be nice if things could stay this way.”

This was peaceful. Just laying here together like this, not having to worry about reality or the outside world. _But no distraction was going to take his mind off of all the horrible things he’d done to her._ Instantly, his mood dropped. He remained there, embracing her, looking like death. **He truly did not deserve her.**

No, that’s not true. Everything he had done was with her best interest in mind! He was protecting her! The world is dangerous, and it’s his job to keep her safe and out of harm’s way. _He was doing the right thing._

“Toma…” The sound of her voice pulled him out of his thoughts once again. He could feel her breath on his neck. When had she gotten this close to him?

He stared down at her with a troubled look. “Yes, princess?” It took some effort to mask the confliction in his tone.

“I love you.” She was most certainly sleeptalking. Her eyes were still shut tightly, and her voice came out in a half audible whisper. It was cute. She was cute.

It made him smile. “I love you too, Anzu.”

Honestly, Toma wasn’t really sure if what he was doing was good or bad. Whatever the case, it was too late to go back now. Might as well just let himself enjoy the little moments like this one where they actually kind of seemed like a normal happy couple. He could worry about his morals in the morning. For now, he just wanted to get some rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh yeah side note i never read my shit before i post it so if there are any mistakes i'm sorry!! i'm a little lazy


End file.
